I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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