were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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