omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
