I just cut my nipple shaving
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
