If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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