im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
