I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just want nice things and good sex
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
