I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize