She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
