There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
