We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
