I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Randomize
