Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
