Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize