The maid of honor just puked.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
