A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
