Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
