ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
