Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
