I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize