i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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