A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
