and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
