i just sent this text using only my big toe
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
