if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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