My room smells like vodka and shame
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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