so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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