Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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