After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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