I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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