i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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