uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
