Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
