I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the raccoons are back...
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