Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need water and some morals
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
