Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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