dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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