If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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