my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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