Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
