I just pynch a tree in the face
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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