I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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