I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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