im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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