Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
