I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
