She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
