Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
