I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
