Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
