I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize