I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
