Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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