shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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