At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
