just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize