I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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