I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
