wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
