dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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