You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
