when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize