Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize