i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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