are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
